Confession

I watch as I wait for that girl to come, the coffee shop seems quiet in the dusk, the customers speak in low murmurs, Sunday night, the people sipping one last drink before they start another week again.

 

I finish my coffee as I look at the sun descending into a brick  laden horizon, there would be no stars out tonight, it was cloudy a desperate day, it looked.

 

“Shall we start?” says a voice next to me, I didn’t even see her walk up to me, there is nothing remarkable about her, another page in my book, I take out my pen and lick the nib in a familiar motion, waving the pen in her direction to continue.

 

She smiles, the little curve by corner of her lips fascinate me, like secrets are hidden by those dear folds of skin.

 

You know I get tired of being me, I tired of being that girl, this is my confession, Father forgive me, listen and hear my words, the words in my heart and soul, the words unspoken in the tears that fall onto my pillow in the darkness, listen to the words so many times swallowed to make someone else happy.

 

Let me tell you how I dies, of how society killed me and my dreams. And why I keep coming back.

 

Once upon a time I had dreams, dreams so full of hope and colours, the stars in my eyes, and now those lights are dimmed, I forget what they were, my dreams you see, they kept me alive during the shadows that filled the dark corners of my childhood.

 

I grew up, the corners are now darker, the shadows thicker, and my dreams aren't as bright enough to keep me from sinking into their cobwebbed depths.

 

Sometimes, it takes all I have to hear myself speak, it takes all I have to keep going for another day, nothing differs you see, wake, get dressed, go to work, come home, get ready for bed, sleep, repeat.

 

It is a boring repetition, but it is good, it keeps my lines straight and my colours within. Some days are harder than others when I do truly wake, sometimes the tears come at inopportune times, like when you are making tea, or ironing clothes, maybe just cleaning your desk and then it all crashes down, the cold indifference of society.

 

My 5 year plan? no that is society's five year plan, t he masters, the imaginary-hopeful husband hunting, the future house in the making, thank you society for deciding it all for me. Thank you, yes I am being sarcastic.

 

Listen here as I speak.

 

Just let me be me for a day? no? I guessed that, being me would annoy you and anger you wouldn’t it.

 

Sorry that I am a bad human, I want to break down once in a while too, sometimes the pain is far too much for one person, and then you come and tell me about your unwanted problems, so I have to listen, I am too nice, if I am not nice I am a bitch, fuck you, I don’t give a damn about you, I don’t give a damn about your issues, your boyfriend or girlfriend, I don’t give a flying fuck about the time you got drunk and got your ex’s name tattooed on you ass, I am fucking tired of taking your shit, I don’t want to know how happy you are, why the fuck would I care, I wouldn’t care if the guy next door is actually banging his wife's sister, not my fucking problem.

 

You know why, its not my business, I have enough strays in my head without your faux-help, this masquerade is getting old, I know you lie, I know she lies, and you know that I am aware of your deception, so why keep going, you embarrass yourself, I cant turn to any of you bitches if I am in trouble, you would be of no help, why would I bother.

 

Listen here as I speak.

 

They ask me why I am alone, maybe its because I cannot bother, hah, or is it just something I tell people who I just do not want to talk to about it, am I afraid? of course, being alone is safe, no heartbreak, no drama, but sometimes I want to be selfish, I want someone for myself, I do not want a large love like a Taj Mahal, I do not want it to be a raging river, maybe a feather floating down in the wind, slowly, steadily surely, maybe I want it strong, I don’t want it to be a Romeo and Juliet, that would be sad and suicidal, maybe Macbeth, his lady was crazy but she did want what's best for him, No, I was what Sam and Frodo had, devotion and faith, I want someone to never give up on me, even though I might have given up on myself, I will wait for you Samwise Gamgee, and I will give as good as it gets.

 

Its not always bad you know, I have my good times too, but sometimes they are so far away, a month away a month gone, but when I do have them, I laugh till my heart is full of love, till its so full that it banishes the darkness and lightens the corners of my mind, Till the sun itself would be jealous of the brightness of the memories I have.

 

She sighs as she draws a star on the misted glass of the shop front.

 

Last month a friend I hadnt met in years talked to me, she asked me what I was doing during the weekend I told her I planned to stay in and read a book, she laughed, saying the girl she knew never did that,she asked me if I was joking and not really partying it up. No I wasn’t, I felt bad, I realized what had been taken from me, my light had been taken away, my hope still there, dim but not overtaken by darkness, my faith, hidden under coats of comfort, my will surrounded by bands of my strength and my heart, that poor bruised thing, she's in a woven basket by the fire, manhandled, nearly broken, let down so many times, but not out, not yet, that soft muscle of tissue, arteries and veins, she will keep beating, because she knows if not, her strength will falter, he faith will be doubted, her hope lost and her will battling for her.

 

I will keep going no matter how many times you push me down, you know why, Because I will not give you the satisfaction of failing, till I find my way to the mountains of Mordor, to drop in the unwanted weights that hang on to me.

 

Its colder now, a slight drizzle had started, the sir cool around us, I can see her breath cloud as she breathes out, looking into the sky.

 

Why don’t you fight back?

 

Because I will never be free, and my heart loves too much to hurt those who hurt me, to hate those who kill me everyday, to forget those who should forget.

 

That is my fault, I care, I care too much.

 

I close my notebook and I look at my muse, thank you, I tell her, for sharing your story with me.

 

It was..the least I could do, you know, she tells me silently, I can never say no, not when someone asks so nicely, smiling a sad smile she closes her eyes and turns her face skyward, catching the rain on her face.

On Endings

 

Endings are bitter sweet but they are also freeing, like taking off a pair of tight shoes after a long, long day walking around in the hot sun.

Still among the living

 

So life has been a lot of ups and downs, the ups were up, but the downs were way, way down.

My job is okay, but for the sake of truth and to get everything off my chest, it is killing me. I’d rather not talk about it, not too much. I’m already living this, I’d rather not bring it into the place I do put in my otherwise quite jumbled thoughts.

So I’ve been dealing with a lot of myself, this might be a very selfish post, but then again, this is my blog, I’m allowed to be selfish and sick of life here.

So basically I’m here, head above water, barely enough time to sleep after fulfilling the usual role of catching up on the tv shows to keep me above all.

That aside, I’ve discovered that Ginn Hale and Megan Derr are also two of my favourite authors now, maybe because of their genres but perhaps their way of ending the stories. Or rather how they come to an end.

This post took me nearly 5 days to write and half an hour every morning when I get to the office early.

Also, True Blood is back, (FU, how could you do that to my handsome hairy friend), THE 100, fell in love, with the ice princess and the extreme bad boy (BELLARKE 5EVAH ) XD, what else, bI’m back on defiance somewhat, Teen Wolf is back for season 4, Dangnammit Jeff Davis, the shit you put us through, and varoius other thing that I might have missed since the last post..like the entire season 4 of Game of Thrones, yes I did fall in love with the Viper, and mourned him with all my feels. Hemlock Grove is coming back for season 2 (finally), oooh and how could I forget the beautiful Rhona Mitra in the Last Ship.

So I just wanted to make sure I could still write, and not clam up, I promise I will keep posting more frequently.

 

Till Next Time, (MWAZ)

M

Impending depression and appreciating life

 

I just get so frustrated when people don’t do their work as they are supposed to, all of our lives are interconnected. Only if the worker ants do their jobs, can the queen have babies and the birds eat the baby ant thing, the cat eat the bird, the cat being tragically ending up in a curry pot somewhere in india.

Anger is something I feel but I don’t really give voice to it, its because I decided a long, long time ago that anger just takes up too many important brain cells, I do feel anger, red hot burning passionate hate, but it stays quiet. One day , when I have a possible weapon of mass destruction in my hand, a lot of people will suffer, till then you are safe -_- .

This is me ranting about work and incompetent fools, anyway, on to better topics, its hard since I have a lot of things to say about the former.

I’ve been struck with a case of writers block and a case of anxious itches, the melancholia that usually is followed by a bout of deep dark depression and a bout of inspiration. So I’m going to just let it pass.

I was on the way to work today and decided I wouldn’t hurry, just walk on by, looking at the school kids, the people hurrying to work, the smell of fried goods in the morning. Life is actually quite beautiful if you actually let it be without worrying about pollution and politics.

So got to office, and the door wasn’t open so I just stood outside, with my bags at my side reading my Wheel of Time book, till the office was opened, got here, and felt a craving for coffee and since the mcdonalds is just opposite, sent the peon to get me a cup, so I’m just here, a bit free today waiting for some work to be approved for me to work on.

Also I saw the the new Godzilla trailer, gosh darn it, it was so beautiful that I was bamboozled.

 

So I’m still trying to keep writing to keep sane

 

till next time, (when I will hopefully have more)

M

True Blood and to-do lists

So I’ve been watching True Blood these days, on account of most of my shows being on hiatus for the Olympics and or out for the season.


Its not always vampires and surprise smexing, I do like the plot of TB, also I lurve the way that Bill says SOOKEH <3
Also Alexander Skarsgard does and absolutely goofy yet terrifying evil Eric. And the women in this are well much to be loved. But they grow on you.
Also Black Sails, the R-Rated version of Pirates of the carribean, oh my lord, just look at the hotness of Flint, Billy and *hommana homanna* Charles Vane *swoon*


I want to watch star-crossed a mid season premiere, dowloaded and ready for me to watch tonight

Starcrossed Trailer

An before I forget, an unparalleled book I was reading, beautiful, its reviews say it’s a mix between enders game, The hunger games and yes, oddly enough Game of thrones, its called Red Rising by Pierce Brown

The war begins...
Darrow is a Helldiver, one of a thousand men and women who live in the vast caves beneath the surface of Mars. Generations of Helldivers have spent their lives toiling to mine the precious elements that will allow the planet to be terraformed. Just knowing that one day people will be able to walk the surface of the planet is enough to justify their sacrifice. The Earth is dying, and Darrow and his people are the only hope humanity has left.
Until the day Darrow learns that it is all a lie. Mars is habitable - and indeed has been inhabited for generations by a class of people calling themselves the Golds. The Golds regard Darrow and his fellows as slave labour, to be exploited and worked to death without a second thought.
With the help of a mysterious group of rebels, Darrow disguises himself as a Gold and infiltrates their command school, intent on taking down his oppressors from the inside.
But the command school is a battlefield. And Darrow isn't the only student with an agenda...

So that’s the deal, I’ve been recommending it to anyone who listens.
So other than entertainment, lets see what’s new about me.
I’ve completed like one whole month at my new work place by the 20th and will be getting paid for my hard work and labour ( I kid, the only thing that is labourious is the walk to the bus stand :3 ).
Anyway I do love the new place, some things are harder to love, but not bad enough to hate. Sometimes the work load is non-existent, and at other times, there is so much work, my already cluttered mind forgets to call Amma (got shit for that yesterday, called her today after lunch.)
I guess I am a nervous person by nature, I keep worrying what people think of me sometimes or something I said. Sometimes this keeps me up at night, well for a little while till I am lost in dreams of spaceships and mutants.
Meanwhile I continue working, minimizing my facebook and blogger tabs, also io9 and kotaku :3, also, for some reason I can access Jezebel only through a proxy, why in the world, tsk tsk.

anyways, till I remember or do something Juicy.
M

Coming back all bloody

It has been quite a bloody while since I wrote to everyone.

 

Well so far, I got myself a job. 2 weeks  +and going good, I like it here, the crowd is nice and the work, somewhat okay in my realm of shit-to-okay grading.

So far this seems good and I’ve started writing again, looks like im sort of back on track. So I don’t have much time but I want to make a repost of a note I did on my facebook titled itches #2 : On women

Also yeah Usual Disclaimer : My opinion, If you dont like, does it look like I care?

"I don’t want to sound like a feminist"

I hate that line, does it make you afraid to voice your opinion without the jeering and ridicule.

Usually I stay quiet about things, but sometimes it gets too far up there.

It’s strange that women nowadays have to be judged by the way they walk, they talk, the things they enjoy doing, the clothes they wear and the people they choose to associate with.

One thing I came across personally, and it annoys the stuffing out of me, "Oh so you are a mechanical engineer? Why did you choose that field? Isn’t it hard? " 

Buster! I chose it because I wanted to, I do not need to justify my choices to anyone other that myself. 

It’s not only for me, no matter what a woman does, there are so many out there to question and doubt for you...

Oh a civil engineer, are you sure? You will be on the field a lot? Oh a lawyer? What criminal law, won’t you be with all those murderers and rapists? Oh a doctor? Won’t you have little time for your family? Oh a political activist? That is a not a suitable field, isn’t it dangerous and troublesome? Oh a fashion designer? Are there even jobs here?

Well listen for a moment, read this words and realize

The WOMAN, she is not your ideal, she is HERS

SHE is not the damsel in distress; SHE is the DRAGONESS with her claws and breathes of fire

SHE is not the flower in the garden; SHE is the tallest tree with the DEEPEST roots

The WOMAN is not a poem in a book, a verse in a song; SHE is a SAGA and a BALLAD

This is not a note for the men, this one is for the ladies, realize that you are so much more than "their" doubts and their hopes for you.

YOU are not a marriage prospect, you are not a victim, and you are not responsible for the lusts of the ones that want to harm you or disrespect.

You are a woman, a luscious embodiment of life, you can love everyone and all, you are the reason the world exists, and you make more of us and more of them.

You are YOU. 

Whether you decide to work in a shop, a skyscraper, a cubicle, and Operation Theater or a site. Whether you wear long clothes or short. Whether you chose to have a family or work harder.

It is your choice. 

Our society has shamed women; they try to make us ashamed of being women. 

Fight. For you

Understand. For your future

Educate. For the ignorance

Found on tumblr :

Imagine this: Instead of waiting in her tower, Rapunzel slices off her long, golden hair with a carving knife, and then uses it to climb down to freedom.

Just as she’s about to take the poison apple, Snow White sees the familiar wicked glow in the old lady’s eyes, and slashes the evil queen’s throat with a pair of sewing scissors. Cinderella refuses everything but the glass slippers from her fairy godmother, crushes her stepmother’s windpipe under her heel, and the Prince falls madly in love with the mysterious girl who dons rags and blood-stained slippers.

Imagine this: Persephone goes adventuring with weapons hidden under her dress. Persephone climbs into the gaping chasm. Or, Persephone uses her hands to carve a hole down to hell. In none of these versions is Persephone’s body violated unless she asks Hades to hold her down with his horse-whips. Not once does she hold out on eating the pomegranate, instead biting into it eagerly and relishing the juice running down her chin, staining it red.In some of the stories, Hades never appears and Persephone rules the underworld with a crown of her own making.In all of them, it is widely known that the name Persephone means Bringer of Destruction.

Imagine this:Red Riding Hood marches from her grandmother’s house with a bloody wolf pelt. Medusa rights the wrongs that have been done to her.Eurydice breaks every muscle in her arms climbing out of the land of the dead.

Imagine this:Girls are allowed to think dark thoughts, and be dark things.

Imagine this:Instead of the dragon, it’s the princess with claws and fiery breathwho smashes her way from the confines of her castle and swallows men whole.

"

— 'Reinventing Rescuing,'

till next time

 

M

Its been a while again

 

Last month was a rollercoaster of ups and downs, when I say ups and downs, there were the  highs and the lowest of lows.

So I finally attended my graduation, got on the podium, received my roll of paper and smiled for the cameras. I felt sort of numb during and after that for a while, my friends were far more excited for my graduation that I was. It took me a while to understand why. The thing was I had relied on my Uni workload to give a direction for a while now, and now that it is all done and gone, I feel a bit empty of purpose, lazy to move on.

So here in December I contemplate what I have done and have to do for the future. The is some pressure form the ‘rents and my little sister doing he O/Ls this December. I want to know what to do next but for now it’s a jumble and I’m going to let it be for now. Let December take its toll.

I’ve been watching Sons of Anarchy these days and finishing off the first season, so far I like it, and still on that Wheel of Time reading spree on book 6 now, that’s half of the whole crow-begotten series.

I know this is a short post considering the rest of my posts but I’m still coming out of that funk and is reserving all my writing powers for something I have am working on.

So till next time

M :3